I sincerely dedicate my first article to all the victims of an old but deadly pandemic known as "SPIT PERSONALITY DISORDER". May their departed ‘civic’ souls rest in peace, at a place where the color red is associated with pleasant things like roses and not a sickening paan ki pichkari. In fact, it is the sheer magnitude of this disorder that has compelled me to write this article. Well, ‘anger-venting’ can’t get any more creative eh!
ALERT: This article is rated ‘D’ (as in Disgusting) because of its nauseating content. Reader discretion is advised!
Here is what happened the other day, a swanky ‘Audi’ sped past my car and the handsome hunk behind the wheel almost instantly grabbed my attention. In a split second, the luxe car and her stylish driver both managed to impress me very much. But this ‘what-a-dude’ moment was harshly followed by an unthinkable act, which was more impressive, but in a downright obnoxious way. Because this ‘Audi’cious dude (pun intended) smartly opened his car’s door at an acute angle and then very skillfully he let out a powerful jet of scarlet liquid from his mouth.
Looking at that fresh crimson streak on the road, I was totally at loss for words! I found myself genuinely confused between the following:
a) Dishing out a loud compliment for such great stunt or
b) Give him a tight slap for his ‘yucky' act of rare brilliance!
By the way, he indeed deserved a compliment for that flawless performance. Boy! He made it look so effortless. I mean, it was amazing how he managed to spit through that tiny gap while driving without adding even a single speck on the car! Moreover, he smugly jumped the red light! [SLOW APPLAUSE]
And before I could get over that astonishing act….SPLAAASHHH came another mighty red dollop of paan! This time the point-of-origin was the oral cavity of an Autowalah! Unlike the agile Audiwalah, this guy was in no hurry at all. He performed the spitting act with great leisure for helpless mortals like us to witness. While waiting for the signal to turn green, he prepped up his mouth. At this point, there were some noticeable convulsions seen near his jaw line. After that, with a high-decibel icky sound of Aaaak Thu (from the epiglottis), he puked out about 250ml of spit right there on the road! Just few more of such aak-thus and this guy was definitely up for some severe dehydration!
Dazed and disgusted, I looked around, and it profoundly dawned on me that at any given moment, zillions of such abominable driblets surround us. Somehow, it has become impossible for me to ignore my ill fellow citizens’ incessant spitting spree. These despicable globs are just ubiquitous! You can find them EVERYWHERE, roads, walls, elevators, staircases, public transport and for God’s sake, even temple premises. In fact, these god-awful oral projectiles are a serious competition to God in terms of being omnipresent!
Based on my observations and dreaded experiences, here is some Wiki-esque gyaan about this not-so-rare disorder.
Signs and Symptoms
Classically, any patient with this disorder gets frequent and an uncontrollable urge to spit when they are exposed to the spit-stimulants. However, there are few star spitters among us, who do not require any sort of stimulation; they are just fine coughing up small gobs of spit every ten seconds. Just like that!
In the advanced stage, these patients gain a fine expertise in darting their spit on the word ‘NOT’ in the notice, turning it to ‘DO SPIT HERE’. The Hindi version is more interesting, as the notice that once read “यहाँ थूकना मना है”, post few splashes turn into a command “यहाँ थूकना है”! Upon reading this, all the fellow-spitters and the early stage patients go weak in their knees and let out a guilt-less jet of you-know-what.
Causes
Spit Personality Disorder is caused by some unexplained chemical reaction in human brain, which makes the victims' salivary glands hyperactive.
There are many spit-stimulating factors that have been identified, which are known to accelerate and intensify the said urge. Most popular factors from the list are, paan, guthka, and all the notice boards that say ‘DO NOT SPIT HERE’. (Shouldn’t it be ‘Do not spit ANYWHERE’?)
Prevention & Cures
Unfortunately, this illness is by far, incurable, because resuscitating a dead civic soul is just about impossible in this part of the world. However, it’s amazing how these patients are capable of holding back their urges while travelling to the countries where spitting in public places is a serious offence that is taken seriously!
Currently, there are three probable preventive measures available, which you can try at your own risk!
A] Some very optimistic guy came up with an interesting preventive measure to stop people from spraying their spittle. He thought, Gods & Goddesses in their ceramic avatar on the wall could be a possible solution. Little did he know that final-stage patients would not spare even The Almighty from being spat on! After all, there ARE few situations in life, where even God can’t help! Here is an evidence.
Whatever happened to "Cleanliness is Godliness"...[/caption]B] Then it was Mr. Rajkumar Hirani, who tried to work up a gandhian solution to this in his movie Lage Raho Munnabhai. However, as a seeker of cure, it didn’t take me long to realize that the famous clean-their-dirty-deed-until-they-get-embarrassed scene was indeed a work of fiction and a tad too impractical in real life. I mean, who are we kidding? Just looking at that hapless guy clean the loathsome paan ki rangoli on the movie screen was enough to make us want to puke, let alone do it practically!
C] Some tend to think, confrontation works best! But, it’s better to drop this idea, unless you wanna closely witness the perverse spirit of spitting. Even I tried it few times to no avail! As a matter of fact, I received about a dozen versions of ‘Go-to-hell’s and ‘none-of-your-business’ hurled at me verbally along with some highly original ‘angry’ looks to go with. I almost felt like I asked for their ATM PIN numbers!
So, where does this leave us? I know, strict punishments and hefty fines would have rather been the best solutions, but unfortunately, the ‘spitting-mouths’ have apparently outnumbered the ‘fine-collecting hands’. To an extent, I have embraced the ‘incurable’ status of this disorder! However, every single time I come across the spitting-brigade, I form a unique punishment for them in my mind like duct-taping their mouths for an entire day or making them spit in their own helmets!
Hoping against all the hope, the optimist me still thinks it is possible to end the spitting spree and make India spit-free! Oh, how I wish...
P.S. Sometimes I wonder, why don’t they declare ‘Spitting’ as a national sport? Looking at our Spitting Brigade’s dedication and competence, I am sure, India shall bag all medals at the Olympics! No one else in this whole wide world has the guts and mouths to beat our super-spitters. Period.
