I had to spend a couple of days in the lock-up, among low criminals. The District Superintendent ceased to be friendly the moment we were in the Central Police Station. He just abandoned me to the routine care of the station officer.
Rosie came to see me in the police lock-up and wept. I sat for the first time with my eyes averted, in the farthest corner of the cell. After a while I recovered my composure and told her to go and see our banker. All that she asked was, Oh, we had so much money! Where is it all gone?
I went back home three days later, but the old, normal life was gone. Mani worked in a mechanical manner, with bowed head, in his own room. There was no work for him to do. Fewer letters arrived for me. There was a sepulchral quietness about the house. Nalinis feet were silent upstairs. No visitors came. She had had to scrape up a bail bond for ten thousand rupees. If I had lived as a normal man of common sense, it would not have been difficult to find the amount. As it was, I had tied up whatever was left over in several foolish share certificates, on which the banks would not advance any money, and the rest I had spent in showy living, including the advances taken for future engagements.
I suggested to Rosie, Why dont you go through with your engagements for the next quarter? We should receive the balance of the fees. I caught her at dinner, because nowadays I spent all my time downstairs and left her alone. I lacked the confidence to face her alone in her room. I even spent my sleeping hours on the hall sofa.
She did not answer. I repeated my question, at which she muttered, when the cook went in to fetch something, Must we discuss it before the cook? I accepted the snub meekly.
I was now a sort of hanger-on in the house; ever since she had released me from police custody, the mastery had passed to her. I fretted inwardly at the thought of it. When the first shock of the affair had subsided, she became hardened. She never spoke to me except as to a tramp she had salvaged. It could not be helped. She had had to scrape together all her resources to help me. She went through her act of help in a sort of cold, businesslike manner. I ate my food in silence. She deigned to spend some time in the hall after food. She came and sat down there. She had a tray of betel leaves by her side on the sofa. I pushed it off and dared to seat myself by her side. Her lips were reddened with betel juice. Her face was flushed with the tingling effect of betel leaves. She looked at me imperiously and asked, Now, what is it? Before I opened my mouth, she added, Remember, you should speak nothing before the cook. The servants are gossiping too much. On the first of the month Im going to send one of them away.
Wait, wait. Dont rush, I began.
What should I wait for? Her eyes glistened with tears; she blew her nose. I could do nothing about it but just watch. After all, the mastery had passed to her and if she thought fit to cry, it was her business. She had enough strength in her to overcome it if she thought it necessary. It was I who needed comforting. I was overwhelmed with a sudden self-pity. Why should she cry? She was not on the threshold of a prison. She had not been the one who had run hither and thither creating glamour and a public for a dancer; it was not she who had been fiendishly trapped by a half-forgotten man like Marcoan apparent gazer at cave-paintings, but actually venomous and vindictive, like the cobra lying in wait for its victim. I can now see that it was a very wrong line of thought to adopt. But how could I help it? It was only such perverse lines of thought and my excessive self-pity that enabled me to survive those moments; one needed all that amount of devilry to keep oneself afloat. I could give no time for others. I could not bother to think of her own troubles, of the mess she had been led into, of the financial emptiness after all those months of dancing and working, of the surprise sprung upon her by my lack ofwhat should we call it, judgment? No, it was something much lower than that. Lack of ordinary character! I see it all now clearly, but at that time I still clung to my own grievances, and could watch without much perturbation her emotional tantrums. I allowed her to have her cry as usual. She wiped her eyes and asked, You said something when we were eating?
Yes; but you wouldnt let me proceed, I said petulantly. I was asking why you should not go through with the programs, at least those for which we have received an advance.
She remained in thought for a while and said, Why should I?
Because we received only an advance, while what we desperately need is the full fee in every case.
Where is all the money?
You should know. The account is all in your name, and you may see the bankbook if you like. It was a cruel thing to say. Some devil was wagging his tongue within my skull. I was suddenly racked with the feeling that after all I had done for her she was not sufficiently sympathetic to my cause.
She spurned continuing this perverse discussion. She merely said, Please tell me what those engagements are and Ill return them all their money.
I knew that this was just a brave statement. Where would she find the amount to refund? Why should you? Why should you not go through with them?
Is money your only consideration? Dont you see how I cant face the public again?
Why not? If Im under arrest, Im under arrest; that is all. Not you. Why should you not go about your business normally?
I cant; that is all. I can say nothing more.
I asked coldly, What do you propose to do in future?
Perhaps Ill go back to him.
Do you think he will take you back?
Yes; if I stop dancing.
I laughed in a sinister manner. Why do you laugh? she asked.
If it were only the question of dancing, he might.
Why did I talk like this? It hurt her very much. Yes; you are in a position to say such a thing now. He may not admit me over the threshold, in which event it is far better to end ones life on his doorstep. She remained moody for a while. It gave me a profound satisfaction to see her imperiousness shattered after all. She added, I think the best solution for all concerned would be to be done with this business of living. I mean both of us. A dozen sleeping pills in a glass of milk, or two glasses of milk. One often hears of suicide pacts. It seems to me a wonderful solution, like going on a long holiday. We could sit and talk one night perhaps, and sip our glasses of milk, and maybe we should wake up in a trouble-free world. Id propose it this very minute if I were sure you would keep the pact, but I fear that I may go ahead and you may change your mind at the last second.
And have the responsibility of disposing of your body? I said, which was the worst thing I could have said. Why was I speaking like this again and again? I think I was piqued that she would not continue her dancing, was a free creature, while I was a jailbird.
I said, Is it not better to keep dancing than think these morbid thoughts? I felt I must take charge of her again. Why wont you dance? Is it because you think I wont be there to look after you? Im sure you can manage. And it may after all be only for a short time. Oh, there is nothing in this case of ours. Itll just break down at the first hearing. You take my word for it. Its a false charge.
Is it? she asked.
How can they prove anything against me?
She merely ignored this legal rambling and said, Even if you are free, Ill not dance in public any more. I am tired of all this circus existence.
It was your own choice, I said.
Not the circus life. I visualized it as something different. Its all gone with that old home of yours!
Oh! I groaned. And you wouldnt let me rest then. You drove me hard to help you come before the public, and now you say this! I dont know, I dont know, you are very difficult to satisfy.
You dont understand! she cried, and got up and went upstairs. She came down a few steps to say, It does not mean Im not going to help. If I have to pawn my last possession, Ill do it to save you from jail. But once its over, leave me once for all; thats all I ask. Forget me. Leave me to live or die, as I choose; thats all.
She was as good as her word. A sudden activity seized her. She ran about with Manis help. She sold her diamonds. She gathered all the cash she could, selling under par all the shares. She kept Mani spinning around. She sent him to Madras to pick up a big lawyer for me. When the stress for cash became acute and she found we would have a lot to make up, she became somewhat more practical-minded. She swallowed her own words and went through her engagements, shepherding the musicians herself, with Manis help, making all the railway arrangements, and so forth. I taunted her as I saw her moving around. You see, this is what I wanted you to do.
There was no dearth of engagements. In fact, my present plight, after a temporary lull, seemed to create an extra interest. After all, people wanted to enjoy a show, and how could they care what happened to me? It hurt me to see her go through her work, practice, and engagements unconcernedly. Mani was very helpful to her, and those who invited her gave her all assistance. Everything went to prove that she could get on excellently without me. I felt like telling Mani, Be careful. Shell lead you on before you know where you are, and then you will find yourself in my shoes all of a sudden! Beware the snake woman! I knew my mind was not working either normally or fairly. I knew I was growing jealous of her self-reliance. But I forgot for the moment that she was doing it all for my sake. I feared that, in spite of her protestations to the contrary, she would never stop dancing. She would not be able to stop. She would go from strength to strength. I knew, looking at the way she was going about her business, that she would managewhether I was inside the bars or outside; whether her husband approved of it or not. Neither Marco nor I had any place in her life, which had its own sustaining vitality and which she herself had underestimated all along.
Our lawyer had his own star value. His name spelled magic in all the court-halls of this part of the country. He had saved many a neck (sometimes more than once) from the noose, he had absolved many a public swindler in the public eye and in the eye of the law, he could prove a whole gang of lawless hooligans to be innocent victims of a police conspiracy. He set at nought all the laboriously built-up case of the prosecution, he made their story laughable, he picked the most carefully packed evidence between his thumb and forefinger and with a squeeze reduced it to thin air; he was old-fashioned in appearance, with his long coat and an orthodox-style dhoti and turban and over it all his black gown. His eyes scintillated with mirth and confidence when he stood at the bar and addressed the court. When the judges eyes were lowered over the papers on his desk, he inhaled a deep pinch of snuff with the utmost elegance. We feared at one stage that he might refuse to take our case, considering it too slight for his attention; but fortunately he undertook it as a concession from one star to anotherfor Nalinis sake. When the news came that he had accepted the brief (a thousand rupees it cost us to get this out of him), we felt as if the whole case against me had been dropped by the police with apologies for the inconvenience caused. But he was expensiveeach consultation had to be bought for cash at the counter. He was in his own way an adjournment lawyer. A case in his hands was like dough; he could knead and draw it up and down. He split a case into minute bits and demanded as many days for microscopic examination. He would keep the court fidgeting without being able to rise for lunch, because he could talk without completing a sentence; he had a knack of telescoping sentence into sentence without pausing for breath.
He arrived by the morning train and left by the evening one, and until that time he neither moved off the court floor nor let the case progress even an inch for the dayso that a judge had to wonder how the day had spent itself. Thus he prolonged the lease of freedom for a criminal within the available time, whatever might be the final outcome. But this meant also for the poor case-stricken man more expense, as his charges per day were seven hundred and fifty rupees, and he had to be paid railway and other expenses as well, and he never came without juniors to assist him.
He presented my case as a sort of comedy in three acts, in which the chief villain was Marco, an enemy of civilized existence. Marco was the first prosecution witness for the day, and I could see him across the hall wincing at every assault mounted against him by my star lawyer. He must have wished that he had not been foolhardy enough to press charges. He had his own lawyer, of course, but he looked puny and frightened.
The first part of the comedy was that the villain wanted to drive his wife mad; the second part of the comedy was that the wife survived this onslaught, and on the point of privation and death was saved by a humble humanitarian called Raju, who sacrificed his time and profession for the protection of the lady and enabled her to rise so high in the world of the arts. Her life was a contribution to the prestige of our nation and our cultural traditions. When the whole world was thirsting for Bharat Natya, here was this man slighting it, and when she made a big name for herself, someones gorge rose. Someone wanted to devise a way of blowing up this whole edifice of a helpless ladys single-handed upward career, Your Honor. And then the schemer brought out the documenta document which had been forgotten and lain in concealment for so many years. There was some other motive in involving the lady by getting her to sign the documenthe would go into it at a later part of the argument. (It was his favorite device to make something look sinister; he never found the opportunity to return to it later.) Why should anyone want to trot out a document which had been kept back for all those years? Why did he leave it alone so long? Our lawyer would leave the point for the present without a comment. He looked about like a hound scenting a fox. The document, Your Honor, was returned without signature. The idea was not to get involved, and the lady was not the type to get caught by jewelry; she cared little for it. And so the document was unsigned and returned, the good man Raju himself carrying it to the post office in order to make sure of its dispatch, as the postmaster would testify. So it was a big disappointment for the schemer when the document went back unsigned. So they thought of another tricksomeone copied the ladys signature on it and took it to the police. It was not his business to indicate who could have done it; he was not interested in the question. He was only interested to the extent of saying categorically that it was not his client who had done it; and unhesitatingly he would recommend that he should be immediately discharged and exonerated.
But the prosecutions case was strong, though unspectacular. They put Mani in the box and examined him till he blurted out that I was desperately looking for an insured parcel every day; the postmaster was cross-examined and had to admit that I had seemed unusual, and finally it was the handwriting expert who testified that it could reasonably be taken to be my handwritinghe had detailed proofs from my writings on the backs of checks, on receipts and letters.
The judge sentenced me to two years imprisonment. Our star lawyer looked gratified, I should properly have got seven years according to law books, but his fluency knocked five years off, though, if I had been a little careful...
The star lawyer did not achieve this end all at once, but over a period of many months, while Nalini worked harder than ever to keep the lawyer as well as our household going.
I was considered a model prisoner. Now I realized that people generally thought of me as being unsound and worthless, not because I deserved the label, but because they had been seeing me in the wrong place all along. To appreciate me, they should really have come to the Central Jail and watched me. No doubt my movements were somewhat restricted: I had to get out of bed at an hour when Id rather stay in, and turn in when Id rather stay outthat was morning five and evening five. But in between these hours I was the master of the show. I visited all departments of the prison as a sort of benevolent supervisor. I got on well with all the warders: I relieved them in their jobs when other prisoners had to be watched. I watched the weaving section and the carpentry sheds. Whether they were homicides or cutthroats or highwaymen, they all listened to me, and I could talk them out of their blackest moods. When there was a respite, I told them stories and philosophies and whatnot. They came to refer to me as Vadhyarthat is, Teacher. There were five hundred prisoners in that building and I could claim to have established a fairly widespread intimacy with most of them. I got on well with the officials too. When the jail superintendent went about his inspections, I was one of those privileged to walk behind him and listen to his remarks; and I ran little errands for him, which endeared me to him. He had only to look ever so slightly to his left, and I knew what he wanted. I dashed up and called the warder he was thinking of calling; he had only to hesitate for a second, and I knew he wanted that pebble on the road to be picked up and thrown away. It pleased him tremendously. In addition, I was in a position to run ahead and warn warders and other subordinates of his arrivaland that gave them time to rouse themselves from brief naps and straighten out their turbans.
I worked incessantly on a vegetable patch in the backyard of the superintendents home. I dug the earth and drew water from the well and tended it carefully. I put fences round, with brambles and thorns so that cattle did not destroy the plants. I grew huge brinjals and beans, and cabbages. When they appeared on their stalks as tiny buds, I was filled with excitement. I watched them develop, acquire shape, change color, shed the early parts. When the harvest was ready, I plucked them off their stalks tenderly, washed them, wiped them clean to a polish with the end of my jail jacket, arranged them artistically on a tray of woven bamboo (Id arranged to get one from the weaving shed), and carried them in ceremoniously. When he saw the highly polished brinjals, greens, and cabbage, the superintendent nearly hugged me for joy. He was a lover of vegetables. He was a lover of good food, wherever it came from. I loved every piece of this work, the blue sky and sunshine, and the shade of the house in which I sat and worked, the feel of cold water; it produced in me a luxurious sensation. Oh, it seemed to be so good to be alive and feeling all thisthe smell of freshly turned earth filled me with the greatest delight. If this was prison life, why didnt more people take to it? They thought of it with a shudder, as if it were a place where a man was branded, chained, and lashed from morning to night! Medieval notions! No place could be more agreeable; if you observed the rules you earned greater appreciation here than beyond the high walls. I got my food, I had my social life with the other inmates and the staff, I moved about freely within an area of fifty acres. Well, thats a great deal of space when you come to think of it; man generally manages with much less. Forget the walls, and you will be happy, I told some of the newcomers, who became moody and sullen the first few days. I felt amused at the thought of the ignorant folk who were horrified at the idea of a jail. Maybe a man about to be hanged might not have the same view; nor one who had been insubordinate, or violent; but short of these, all others could be happy here. I felt choked with tears when I had to go out after two years, and I wished that we had not wasted all that money on our lawyer. Id have been happy to stay in this prison permanently.
The superintendent transferred me to his office as his personal servant. I took charge of his desk, filled his inkwells, cleaned his pens, mended his pencil, and waited outside his door to see that no one disturbed him while he worked. If he so much as thought of me, I went in and stood before him, I was so alert. He gave me file boxes to carry to his outer office; I brought in the file boxes that they gave back to his table. When he was away the newspapers arrived. I took charge of them and glanced through their pages before taking them to him. I dont think he ever minded; he really liked to read his paper in bed, after his lunch, in the process of snatching a siesta. I quietly glanced through the speeches of world statesmen, descriptions of the Five-Year Plan, of ministers opening bridges or distributing prizes, nuclear explosions, and world crises. I gave them all a cursory look.
But on Friday and Saturday I turned the last page of the Hindu with trembling fingersand the last column in its top portion always displayed the same block, Nalinis photograph, the name of the institution where she was performing, and the price of tickets. Now at this corner of South India, now there, next week in Ceylon, and another week in Bombay or Delhi. Her empire was expanding rather than shrinking. It filled me with gall that she should go on without me. Who sat now on that middle sofa? How could the performance start without my signal with the small finger? How could she know when to stop? She probably went on and on, while others just watched without the wit to stop her. I chuckled to myself at the thought of how she must have been missing her trains after every performance. I opened the pages of the paper only to study her engagements and to calculate how much she might be earning. Unless she wrote up her accounts with forethought, super-tax would swallow what she so laboriously piled up with all that twisting and writhing of her person! I would have suspected Mani of having stepped into my shoes, and that would have provided more gall for me to swallow, but for the fact that in the early months of my stay Mani came to see me on a visitors day.
Mani was the only visitor I had in prison; all other friends and relatives seemed to have forgotten me. He came because he felt saddened by my career. He wore a look of appropriate gloom and seriousness as he waited for me. But when I told him, This is not a bad place. You too should come here, if you can, he looked horrified and never saw me again. But in the thirty minutes he was with me he gave me all the news. Nalini had cleared out of the town, bag and baggage. She had settled down at Madras and was looking after herself quite well. She had given Mani a gift of one thousand rupees on the day that she left. She had a hundred bouquets of garlands presented to her on the railway platform. What a huge crowd had gathered to see her off! Before her departure she had methodically drawn up a list of all our various debts and discharged them fully; she had all the furniture and other possessions at our house turned over to an auctioneer. Mani explained that the only article that she carried out of the house was the bookwhich she came upon when she broke open the liquor casket and had all the liquor thrown out. She found the book tucked away inside, picked it up, and took it away carefully.
That was my book. Why should she take it? I cried childishly. I added, She seems to think it a mighty performance, I suppose!... Did it please him? Or did it have any useful effect? I asked devilishly.
Mani said, After the case, she got into the car and went home, and he got into his and went to the railway stationthey didnt meet.
Im happy at least about this one thing, I said. She had the self-respect not to try and fall at his feet again.
Mani added before going away, I saw your mother recently. She is keeping well in the village. At the court-hall my mother had been present. She had come on the last day of the hearing, thanks to our local adjournment lawyer, who was my link generally with her, as he continued to handle the tortuous and prolonged affair of half my house being pledged to the Sait. He had been excited beyond words at the arrival of the glamorous lawyer from Madras, whom we put up at the Taj in the best suite.
Our little lawyer seemed to have been running around in excitement. He went to the extent of rushing to the village and fetching my motherfor what purpose he alone knew. For my mother was overcome with my plight as I stood in the dock; when Rosie approached her to say a few words in the corridor, her eyes flashed, Now are you satisfied with what you have done to him? And the girl shrank away from her. This was reported to me by my mother herself, whom I approached during the court recess. My mother was standing in the doorway. She had never seen the inside of a court-hall, and was overwhelmed with a feeling of her own daring. She said to me, What a shame you have brought on yourself and on all known to you! I used to think that the worst that could happen to you might be death, as when you had that pneumonia for weeks; but I now wish that rather than survive and go through this... She could not complete her sentence; she broke down and went along the corridor and out before we assembled again to hear the judgment.
