In the first ashram, Brahmacharya, we prepare for love by learning how to be alone and learning from our past relationships how to improve our next one. Alone, we learn to love ourselves, to understand ourselves, to heal our own pain, and to care for ourselves. We experience atma prema, self-love.
Rule 1 - Let Yourself Be Alone
I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.
-HAFIZ
We can all agree that no one wants to be lonely. In fact, many people would rather stay in an unhappy relationship than be single. If you type the phrase "Will I ever ..." into a search engine, it predicts that the next words you will enter are "find love," because "Will I ever find love" is the most popular question people ask about their futures.
This question reveals our insecurity, our fear, our anxiety around loneliness, and these very feelings prevent us from finding love. Researchers at the University of Toronto found through a series of studies that when we're afraid of being single, we're more likely to settle for less satisfying relationships. Specifically, we're more likely to become dependent on our partners and less likely to break up with them, even when the relationship doesn't meet our needs.
Being in a relationship seems like the obvious cure for loneliness. Aren't we lonely because we're alone? But the fear of loneliness interferes with our ability to make good decisions about relationships. My client Leo had been dating Isla for nearly a year when her job took her from Philadelphia to Austin.
"You should do what's best for you," she told him. "I want to be clear. I'm not sure where our relationship is going." He was unsure at first, but a month after she left, he moved to Austin.
"Most of my friends were in relationships. I basically felt single without Isla, and I didn't want to be lonely, so I decided to join her." Instead of thinking about the pros and cons of moving-What were his job prospects? What was he leaving behind....
