How I wish we had a rewind button in our lives. It would have Hbeen so easy to go back and relive the beautiful moments a million times and avoid the tragedies from ever entering our lives. But life only moves forward and sometimes we need to let go of everything we're clinging on to and start over.
It's been eight months since Maa and Paa passed away and these eight months have been a whirlwind of emotions, all of them bad. I realize that the longer we take to accept reality, the more difficult it gets to move on. Nothing has helped me more than acceptance. And I think I am ready to do what I have been avoiding all this while.
Gathering all my courage, I walk up the stairs to reach the living room. I open the drawer of the cabinet to take out the keys and walk towards the door. I close my eyes and tell myself, "Inaaya, today is the day. You must do it. There is no way out." I open my eyes to unlock the door of the room full of unforgettable memories.
I have not let anyone enter their room since they have gone and neither do I have the courage to do it myself until this very moment. As I switch on the light, the first thing I see is the big portrait of the three of us on the front wall. A candid picture clicked at one of my cousin's wedding when all of us got a laughing attack seeing the funny dance performance by the groom's friend.
We look so happy in this picture. Pure bliss! I look like a carbon copy of Maa in this one. I have always looked like Maa, and I love it. Of course, Maa and I weren't identical, but we're honestly close to looking like the same person. So much so that for as long as I can remember, the fact that I look strikingly similar to my mother is the first thing anyone who has ever known her ends up saying to me within a few seconds of our introduction.
However, I favour Paa in all the ways that count. We had the same personality, the same love for music, the same laugh, and the same passion for making people smile. I go near the picture and dust it off to touch their faces. I wish I could take them out of this picture and give them a big tight hug. I take a deep breath to be in control as I have promised myself that I am not going to cry today.
I see Maa's favourite bracelet lying on the shelf below the picture. It has a small butterfly hanging from it. She wore it all the time and thought it was lucky for her. I hold it tightly in my hand and take it close to my heart. I wish Maa you hadn't forgotten to wear it that day. Maybe it could have saved you. I wear it in my hand and kiss it, feeling her hand on mine.
I go to Paa's bookshelf. I open it and take out "The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand," his favourite book. He loved reading and spent hours with his books, and I have inherited this habit from him. As I touch the pages, I feel him standing next to me and telling me like he would always, "This book changed my life. It gave me the courage to lead a purposeful life with an un-borrowed vision. Do read it someday, my doll."
I never dared to pick it up because it's too thick a book for me. But now that I don't have Paa to answer my dilemmas, probably he will do it through his books. I keep it on the bed thinking that I am going to read this one as soon as possible.
I move towards Maa's almirah and open it. Maa has got the best collection of sarees in the whole world. I took out the red saree she wore on my last birthday. She looked so beautiful. All my friends gave more compliments to her than me at the party. She had been very close to all my friends. They always confided in her with all their secrets, and she had solutions for all the problems in the world.
Whatever it may be, Maa always found the positive in every situation. I have never seen her angry in my entire life. She spoke through her eyes. One calm look was enough to comfort me if I was disturbed. Likewise, one stern glance was equivalent to an entire lecture if I was throwing a tantrum.
