Narcissism is a “personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways.” (Mayo Clinic) There is no known reasons for one to become a narcissist, however, it is speculated that a traumatic experience in early childhood could be the cause but not proven. Some people would define a narcissist as one that overly admires themselves, but there is so much more involved when dealing with a narcissist as they have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde persona. This raises the question if the narcissist is aware of the behavior they display. Some have argued no as this a mental illness or sickness that has no cure, however, it is a belief we all know right from wrong.
“There are common traits displayed by narcissist inability to empathize, manipulation, need for control, and sense of entitlement” to name a few (Carter 7). A narcissist has no empathy for anyone. The narcissist may display empathy to keep up a façade that they are a good person, but could care less what others are going through. That is the mask they wear in front of others, but takes that mask off to the ones closest to the narcissist. “Narcissist replace fair and honest exchanges with behaviors that manipulate other people so that that get their way” (Carter 10). Narcissist lie twist words and can make a person question or second guess reality. This tactic of
manipulation is called gas lighting. In the movie Gaslight, this type of manipulation showed how Bella (Diana Wynyard) seem to look like she was losing her mind. A narcissist is out of touch with reality and will go to extreme measure to make a person believe that the narcissist’s reality is what is real and the actual truth is false. They simply “are unwilling to acknowledge truth that does not match their preferences” (Carter 17).
This feeds the narcissist insatiable need for control. It’s either their way or the highway, this is how they hold the power over a person. Some narcissist obtain this control with “obvious behaviors such as bullying, being stubborn, being forceful or argumentative. Some may use subtle behaviors such as punishing withdrawal, slander, seductive charm or withholding cooperation” (Carter 14). They will use any tactic to make sure that they make the rules and control the relationship. Narcissist also display a sense of entitlement “for others to do whatever they want or need and take strong offense if others do not treat the narcissist the way they feel they deserve to be treated” (Carter 11). These traits point to the grandiosity that narcissist display, an unrealistic sense of superiority. They act as if you owe them something or need more when they have already drained your life force. They are never the blame for anything and will have excuse after excuse to not be accountable for any of their wrongdoing to avoid an apology.
Fig.1. A list of narcissist traits and behaviors. (Healing from Complex Trauma)
Narcissists come in all different relationships family, work related and romantic. Narcissist have a type of person they are drawn to usually the person is an empath, and giving. Narcissist is drawn to a person that is compassionate and will meet their every need. Empaths take on the emotions of others and have a willingness to try to fix problems. Because of this the narcissist will being very charming and portray to be the person the empath will fall for. Once the empath is caught in the grasps of the narcissist, things slowly began to change for the worse and the target realizes finds out that they were nothing but a target to supply the narcissist sadistic needs.
The interview with (Mina Steele) gives insight on dealing with a person that has been actually diagnosed with narcissism. During the interview, she states how she was in a relationship for five years with her now ex-husband prior to marrying him. She wanted to point out that they did not live together prior to getting married. She states her ex-husband was very charming in the beginning but after they got married she states a switch went off as on their wedding day he yelled at her that startled her. His behavior continued to change, he became very controlling and that too many arguments pretty over nothing. She states that her ex-husband also would have her second guessing herself when she actually knew the reality of situations. She continues to state he never took accountability for any of his actions and would blame anything or anyone else for his indiscretions.
They eventually pursued marital counseling by a medical professional and it was then that his diagnosis of narcissism was uncovered. When asked how long they were married her response was eight months. She states she was able to walk away, however she did try the counseling however she was advised that there is no cure for this diagnosis and she made the best decision for herself. (Steele)
The narcissist puts in a lot of energy to portray that they are a good person to family, members, friends, associates and strangers however shows a different side the dark side to the one closest to them the target. There is a strategy for this behavior, a narcissist hates to be exposed for what they really are. Once the target realizes what this person really is (a narcissist) that narcissist will discredit and paint a horrible picture of the target, because after all the narcissist has worked so hard tricking others to look like this good person. A narcissist pretty much deceives everyone. They are like leeches and the best thing a target can do is walk away from a narcissist and never look back.
When walking away from a relationship with a narcissist it is a slow and painful process it is a grieving process. Those that have been affected by a narcissist, have a hard understanding how they could not be loved by the person they truly loved and how could that person one mistreat and devalue them. A lot of healing will need to take place that includes self-esteem, trust and regaining back a life that was literally stolen from them. The narcissist causes quite a bit of damage.
“It takes a long time to recover from narcissistic abuse and it’s so hard for many victims to just watch them carry on enjoying their lives, whilst the victim grieves, is confused, is hurt and cannot understand how they can do this, after all they had said and done.” (Healing From Complex Trauma)
It is a grieving process for one that has been affected by a narcissist, understanding how you could not be loved by the person you truly love and how one human being can mistreat and devalue another human being. A lot of healing will need to take place that includes self-esteem, trust and regaining back a life that was literally stolen from them. The narcissist causes quite a bit of damage for one to repair.
I myself have been a victim of narcissist abuse for twenty years and was eager to learn more about the narcissistic behavior and why I was a target. Once I found out what kind of person I was involve with in a relationship, I had an epiphany. A lot of unanswered questions were answered and an explanation for everything going on in my life was no longer a mystery. Everything that I had been through finally had a reason and it was time for me to heal from the abuse.
Professionals state that a narcissist cannot change their behaviors due to that this is truly their personality. As it states earlier, there is speculation that trauma in childhood could be the case of this personality disorder narcissism. For a narcissist to take another through an emotional whirlwind must be learnt behaviors. There are some medications that can be prescribed but a narcissist will refuse because they feel that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. It is presumed impossible for a narcissist to change. I have concluded that the behaviors of a narcissist are definitely intentional and they know exactly what they are doing.
